Each and every day we are faced with decisions. Some we make without even thinking about the effect it makes in our life. Others are made after a lot of thought. Each decision, no matter how small or insignificant, is life altering; for good or for bad.
During my marriage, I made choices in response to my husbands choices to respond to life in a brutal way. His choices didn’t change him, they changed my children and I. We withdrew emotionally from life. I became hyper-vigilant, trying to minimize the impact of his behavior; and to step in between him and my children, so they would not be hurt.
Unknowingly at the time, I followed the typical pattern of domestic violence victims; leaving and coming back to the relationship. I separated from my husband, the first time, when my son was 18 months old. Two months later I went back to my husband. Within a month I was pregnant with my daughter. We went to couples counseling for 6 months and then my husband quit. The abuse increased.
My thoughts were continually about how I needed to leave the abuse. That my children deserved to see a better life. And how can I leave and keep us safe. Then there was the other side of me that felt that I needed to make sure that there was no possibility of my husband changing his behavior and becoming good. I felt that I wanted to make sure that I had dotted every “i” and crossed every “t”. That I had given him every opportunity to change.
The day I separated for the last time, I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that my children and I were only toys that he could break. He had no emotional connection to us. We could be discarded at any time. I knew that the choice I was making would impact not only me, but my children as well. I did not know how we were going to live with the choice I was making. The only thing I did know is, we were dying by staying.
The choice to leave was one of the scariest decisions I had to make. I had no idea how to live outside of the abuse. I didn’t know how I was going to raise my 2 children all by myself and afford our basic needs. I felt very vulnerable because I had no family support with my decision, and I couldn’t protect us from my husband.
What I didn’t realize is that in making the choice to leave, I now had to make many other choices to maintain that 1st choice. Each day I had to remake the choice to be single and protect my children. In responding to my children I made the choice to not react to them, or any situation of discipline. I knew that my reaction would be behavior I learned through the abuse from my childhood, and I didn’t want that repeated.
Determination and my relationship with God are the key factors in my choice for change. I had lived through hell and held a belief that life was not meant to be that way. I had two small children that I had brought into a dangerous situation and I wanted them to see life outside of the abuse and one full of love. The only way I knew how to live a life full of love is through my Heavenly Father. He took my choice to end the abuse, my determination to not go back, and taught me gentleness, patience, love, and gratitude.
Change is not easy. Begin with the decision to make a different choice; one that is not comfortable. Keep making that choice. As your choice brings you out of your comfort zone, you will notice that you are on your way to make a change. Take the chance, to make the choice you want; for the change you need.