On June 30, 2017, I combined high doses of 2 medications in an attempt to end my pain by suicide. To my surprise, I awoke the next morning. I am still in shock, to this day, on why I woke up after that.
I have thought a lot about what lead up to that day and that choice. At the time, I was in a great deal of daily physical pain with severe migraines, due to the severe brain trauma. I was not sleeping more than a couple of hours a night. I had not been able to keep food down for 5 months. The acid in my stomach was coming up and burning sores all the way up to the top of my mouth. I had gone through months of testing and I had 2 more tests before the doctors decided how they were going to fix the issues. Each test took a great deal of physical and emotional strength, because they were extensive and painful. I was extremely weak and still working full time. I could not see an end in sight.
I broke that day. I was emotionally, mentally, and physically drained completely. I had no one around me that was aware of the place I was in. My children had disconnected when I was diagnosed with my heart being inflammed and severe brain trauma; back in February 2016. They couldn’t handle seeing me in so much pain. And I couldn’t handle watching them watch me suffer. Everyone else just saw the brave face I put on. My co-workers didn’t even know how sick I was.
Keeping myself closed off from those around me was the worst thing I could have done. I didn’t know how to explain what I was going through, or why it was having the impact that it was. I wanted to be strong so my kids wouldn’t worry. I couldn’t say anything at work for fear of being black balled. All my reasons were to spare others, but not to take care of me.
I broke because I removed my needs from the equation. I looked at others to show me that I mattered. But everyone around me was taking care of them and living their lives. This created the perpetual downward spiral. The more I withdrew and didn’t acknowledge my needs, the more those around me became detached and soothed themselves because they couldn’t handle the pain I was in.
What would have helped is a trained professional to teach me how to speak about what I was going through and teaching my family how to listen and grieve through this challenge. One thing that people don’t realize is that when a family member has a debilitating illness there needs to be away to grieve and release what once was. My children have pent up fear because of my diagnosis of brain trauma. I have fear of my diagnosis.
Behind every suicide or attempted suicide there are conversations being withheld. There needs to be at least one person willing to be uncomfortable and expressing the difficult subject; the fear of feeling. I know for me if I could have heard from anyone close to me that they were afraid of losing me and did I want to talk about what I was going through it would have impacted me a great deal. Learn to grieve what you are going through and talk about the fear.