I have said to myself many times, “I do not know how I am going to make it through this”. One of these times was when I separated from my husband (ex), when my daughter was 2 years old. I remember one night, shortly after we separated, going to get my daughter from her room because she was sick. I remember being so exhausted and I really needed someone sleep. I didn’t not know why my daughter wasn’t feeling well, so it made it hard to comfort her. I remember walking her around, rocking her in the recliner, and none of it helped. I had called my mom, and her only response to the situation was, “Get used to it, you’re going to be a single mom now”.
I remember holding my daughter, as I sat cross-legged, on my bed, in the dark, and I began to cry. I rocked back and forth. As tears fell onto her blanket, I said , “I do not know how I am going to make it through this”. I began to talk to my Heavenly Father. I asked Him, “Why did I have to go through this?” I thought of all the abuse that I went through in my childhood and then in my marriage. I had endured that without revenge. It seemed unfair to ask me to go through more, as well as doing it alone.
I looked down at my daughter, she had fallen asleep, and I knew that the only chance she had for a good life was if I kept going on my own. Oh my heart hurt. I didn’t know if I was strong enough to give her the life that she deserved. I sat back against the wall and let the tears fall once more.
2 months later, I was diagnosed with cancer for the second time. I looked back at that night, months before, and I couldn’t believe my life had become harder. What seemed insurmountable then, just doubled in magnitude.
The thought came to my mind, was this an indication that I was not meant to leave my marriage. As soon as that thought came into my mind, the last memory of the single handed, blow to my head, came back to me. I knew that if I went back, that would not be the last time I was knocked out cold.
I made the decision for the final time; I was going to raise my children outside of the environment of abuse and domination. I did not know how, nor did I have anyone as an example to follow. At that moment I remember praying. I prayed that I would be guided in the way to raise my children in love and kindness. That I would remain strong for them and I would love them through this.
I can tell you my prayers were answered in abundance. I have raised my children alone for the past 18 years. They have been raised in a home of love and respect. The violence that I had seen, ended with me.
The experience I shared was one short period of time. I have uttered the phrase, “How can I make through this”, on a number of occasions. Each time, I followed my familiar pattern of speaking with my Father in Heaven, resting, and then beginning to move forward. I am not always given the direction that I am to go, but as I move in the direction I feel is right the Lord begins to guide me as I keep moving.
Strength is never realized during the challenge. It comes after the fact. I know that as I kept going through unmarked territory, I learned about gifts and talents that I did not know I had. I developed them during the challenges. Each moment, take a look back and see what you have received during your challenges. Can each bit of knowledge be built upon? I believe you can. Believe in the process and yourself. See your strength grow, especially during those time when you think you can’t possibly go on.