I was sitting with a friend, talking about depression. I explained, that mine came from an abusive past. I shared a little of my history. She replied, “No one would ever know, you look so well put together!” In the minute time it took my brain to process what she said, it also had a response. I told her, “Is what I should do is purchase some medical tubing, and connect it to an empty oxygen tank and carry that around. Then people would have some idea how ruff it is.” She said, “Remove the makeup, mess your hair up, and put rollers in your hair. You need to not be so put together!”
The questions that come to my mind in all of this is:”Does pain have a certain ‘look’?” “Is there a physical representation that a person is suffering from depression, or any other mental illness?” “If my abusers didn’t leave visual ‘proof ‘, does that mean I wasn’t abused?” “What does a survivor look like?”
Looking at an individual you can see if they are content, or in need of a basic need; such as food, water, or shelter. Beyond that it is really hard to know without asking questions. Pain can only be seen if the wound is open on the body. This is “physical pain”. What about “emotional pain”? Emotional pain is registered on the mind, and the heart. To know someone is suffering emotionally, you need to ASK.
It is scary to ask someone if they are alright emotionally. Because you may have thoughts of: “What if they say something that I don’t have experience with?” Or, “What if it’s hard for me to hear?” “What if I don’t know what to do?” Here is a hint: emotional pain, once said and heard by the survivor, it heals a part of them. PLEASE JUST LISTEN.
As a society we owe those around us “no life judgement”. As a survivor I don’t have to prove my pain, or that I have been abused. There is no image that says that I have emotional pain. There does need to be more sensitivity and empathy. Be willing to listen. Be slow to judge.