For years, I have lived without emotion or connection to my environment, because I have been extremely frightened of the pain it brings. I have had to work at “feeling” what is around me. I am always in a hyper-vigilance, so I know “what” is around me but I have no sense of feeling towards it.
I remember my children’s counselor working with me one day. She had me sit on the floor, across from her. She pulled out a long, white sheet of paper and then some finger paints. She asked me if I had ever finger painted. I told her “no, I hadn’t. We were not allowed to have things like that growing up because it would make a mess.” She poured a little of each color on the paper. Some in front of her and then in front of me. She began to move the colors around with her hands. I just sat there frozen with fear, because she was causing a mess and I knew I would be blamed for it. She began to speak to me, but I couldn’t understand what she was saying because I seemed so far away. She then took my hands and placed them in the paint. I immediately pulled back and began rocking back and forth, with my arms wrapped around my knees. The shock from the sensation was powerful. I had an extremely hard time staying connected to what was going on in the room. My mind would shutdown and hide me from any response that I would have. The fear that gripped me was paralyzing. I kept waiting for the beating I knew would be coming, but it never did. Then, I started to cry. That experience was 12 years ago and I am still disconnected.
About 8 months ago, I remember my current counselor telling me to place my hands under the water in the shower and try to recognize the feeling in my hands. I stood there for almost 30 minutes trying to get my brain to recognize the touch of the water and actually register a sensation of how it felt. When it finally happened, I was in complete shock. There was not an emotion that registered “like” or “dislike”, it just was. Since that time I have had to baby step through my environment, so that I can get my brain to record the sensation.
What I am experiencing is like having your leg/foot fall completely asleep. When you finally decide to stand on it, you can feel the resistance pushing back against your weight, but you don’t know if you are really standing on your foot, or if it is crumpled under your weight. So you look down to check what you are feeling. Then comes the burning, needle stabbing, pain of it becoming awake. You know that it will wake up eventually, but you have to endure the “awakening process” before you can move. I realize that I am at this “awakening process”, but I am not sure of what is to follow. It is really scary for me to start to “feel” and recognize what surrounds me. I do not feel comfortable with this new sensation, because I don’t know whether I am standing or crumpled beneath the weight. I am frightened to move because I don’t know how to get my mind to work with this new sensation, and truthfully, I don’t know how to make sense of it all.
I have tried to analyze what is happening and what I should do with this new experience. My mind just keeps screaming, make it stop, make it stop! I tried to explain this to my counselor and she said, I just need to sit with it and let it happen. Her words kept playing over and over in my mind, throughout that session. I thought about my past sessions with her and being able to recognize the light that radiates from her, for the last 3 sessions, and how that plays into all of this. The thought that scares me the most is that I recognize the light she radiates. I can feel the sensation of it, and my Spirit is drawn to that in her. But, I am terrified to have any connection with anyone. I don’t want to feel the shame and rejection that I am sure is to come. I feel that I am of no value and have nothing that they would want. So I would be left with the sadness when they leave and I can’t handle anymore of that.
I know that as we go through life most things are processed subconsciously and we don’t even think twice about it. I know for me as I am working through my medical condition and seeing certain functions that I am loosing, I am trying to notice the actions I am taking and not just letting them happen. I feel that there is a purpose to all of my experiences. I am trying to be patient with the process, but I can’t help being afraid of the unknown.