This past Sunday I was asked to present the lesson on Faith and Testimony. In my preparation I learned that you have to have hope before you can have faith and testimony. Hope is always a belief of or in something in the future. As human beings if our mind can envision something in a state of “hope” we take action to achieve it, which is “faith”. “Faith” is not a one time action. You may have to try again and again, until you achieve what your “hope” belief is. This process gives you the “testimony” that it is possible to achieve that which is “hoped” for. The natural tendency is to share your “testimony” with others so that they can see what is possible. This lesson could not have come at a better time.
For the past 10 months I have been struggling with constant migraines and spasms in my head, which have been attributed to severe physical abuse that I suffered by the hands of my parents, brother, and ex-husband. Recently, I have been blacking out and falling without any warning. At this time, we are trying to find out why I am blacking out. My neurologist has been trying to get the heart specialist to perform a test that he believes will provide the answer, but the heart specialist keeps saying they need more tests done before that one can be performed. It has taken almost 60 days to get to the point that the test can be ordered. Now, I have been told that I have to wait until January 3, 2017, before I can have a consultation with the heart specialist, and then it is another 30 days before the test can be performed. After hearing that, I began crying. I am so exhausted, frightened, and angry. I have not been able to sleep much due to the spasms and night terrors, from the memories of the abuse. I can’t eat much because the spasms make me so nauseous.The more the symptoms increase the more angry I become, because my abusers are not the ones with the consequences. I am still trying to work full-time so that we can pay for our house and the medical bills. All of this has brought me to the question of, “why am I fighting so hard to live?”
I have been thinking a lot about this question tonight. All that I have learned, through the preparation of my lesson, came flooding back to me. I began to ask myself, “do I have hope?” If I do, “what is it that I hope for?” I cannot take actions in faith, if I do not have a belief in hope. And if I can’t take any action in faith, I do not gain knowledge through truth in testimony.
I do not know if I have hope in a belief, about my medical condition. I can’t get past the thought that the brain trauma will be apart of me, for the rest of my life. I don’t know how to visualize being okay with the consequences, from someone else’s actions, that were forced upon me. And most of all the painful memories of the abuse are ever visual in my sleep and I am unable to quiet them. I guess if I had a hope, it would be that I would be released from the effects of the abuse from today on. And if I choose that, do I have faith to complete the action of that hope?
I know that the application of hope, faith, and testimony will bring blessings to you. I have used them in other aspects of my life and I have seen the rewards that come. For me, at this time, I am struggling with it in this situation. I know that if I don’t solidly, define my hope, I will not be successful in the other 2 aspects. In each area of our lives we will have to walk through this process and it may be quite hard at times. But, just as I am having to do, take the time to make sure you are secure in 1 aspect before you move to the next one. Once, you have gained testimony of that situation in your life, share it. Let’s support another through their journey.