Having faith as you go through challenging times is hard. For me the hardest part is being faced with the unknown and believing that positive things will come. In my journal entries I write how I could not see how I was going to make it through one more day, let alone years down the road. But in looking back over the past 17 years I can see how I have changed.
After I divorced, I felt my life was over. I knew in order for the abuse to end I needed to do something different. Something beyond what I was programmed to do. I knew it was up to me to be the difference in my children’s life. I put all my effort into giving them hope of what they could become and possibilities for their future. As I tried to raise my children I knew I needed to find examples of people that were “healthy”. I knew I didn’t come from anything remotely healthy and I had no connection to anyone outside my family. I found myself feeling alone and lost. I prayed continually asking how to solve a certain problem, teach a certain behavior to my children, know when someone is speaking truth, find someone to watch as an example of “healthy”. Even though my prayers were sincere, and at times desperate, it didn’t mean the answers came immediately or when I thought they should. I frequently felt that my prayers had gone unheard, which was hard. But I continued to pray. I told God what I thought and what I was doing. Then, without a response, I began doing what I thought was logical. As I went along, I would sometimes have impressions come to me, and as I followed them my understanding began to broaden. I began to move. I did not know where or what the end result was to be, but I was grateful that I was not repeating what I had been trained to do.
I found a very kind and loving Bishop that held an unwavering belief in me. At times, I couldn’t understand what he saw or why he did. He had away of getting beyond my walls and helping me see that if I didn’t improve me, I couldn’t be successful in improving my children. It took him 2 years to persuade me to seek a bachelors degree. I told him that I would fail, because I was too old (I was 31). He said, “Call me when you fail your first test”. I never had to call him. He called me at the beginning of every semester and after my first day of that semester. He would end every call with I know you can do it. When I received my Associates Degree, I gave it to him. My Bachelors degree, I gave to me. 3 years later I bought a home and gave that to us.
In the past 4 years, l have disconnected from my family of origin. My children have both graduated High School with high honors, and they have a solid foundation for their future. I have realized that I have silenced me through all of this, and I have begun the painful process of identifying me. Our life has been saturated with challenges. But my belief that I was loved once, before I came to Earth, has given me the courage to keep praying and moving. I still have my fear of the unknown. I still cannot see where I am going. But I am still here. I know I don’t have to walk it alone. I also know if you stand firm in your faith anything is possible.