I love the Velveteen Rabbit, by Margery Williams. Through the love of a small boy, the Velveteen Rabbit becomes “Real”; even though he was battered and torn. Love is not the only thing that can make you real. You become “real” through experience; life experience.
Each of our lives are going to be different. Even if we are traveling down the same portion of dirt road, we will not hit the same pot hole in the exact same way. Our modes of transportation will also have a different design and features. At times, we will leave the road and head in different directions.
For example, even though my siblings and I came from the same parents and lived in the same house, experiencing the same toxic environment, we all have left our childhood with very different perspectives and outlooks on life. Some of my siblings have yet to become real. One sibling, lives in their belief that our society is still all about indians and mountain men. While another is in the land of fantasy, fairies, and wizards. There is nothing bad about these time periods. The downfall is the amount of time spent there and the reason.
When you come from an abusive background, whether it be mental, emotional, or physical, you learn how to cope in that environment. To cope, you may disassociate from that environment and create a fictitious reality that feels safe. If you are fortunate enough to leave the abuse, your disassociative environment comes with you. The challenge now, is to identify that you are safe, and the disassociative reality only played a role in coping and is not a true place for living.
In my experience, I never had a certain time period, like my siblings, that I disassociated to. I went beyond that, and disassociated from myself. I began reading everyone’s behavior and catered to their needs, so I could somewhat predict my safety and control my environment. This coping mechanism has become fluid to me. I don’t have to think about it anymore. I hear or sense, the most minute amount of disagreement around me and I shift into defusing mode.
Outside of the abuse, I have had to learn to become real. I first had to learn that I had left the life of abuse, and I was no longer controlled by it. My mind doesn’t recognize this fully yet. It still plays the memories of that period of time, out in night terrors. Which brings the next step, working through the trauma. This is not easy, because I have had to identify each persons role in the cover up, that kept the abuse continuing. I had to identify my role, in believing that I was living a “normal ” life. I had to learn that staying silent does not keep me safe. I am now working on the next part, identifying who I am, as an individual, not just the body that chose to survive.
This stage, of becoming real, is not easy. I have been asked to identify my wants, needs, and desires. I am to decide that, without any recognition of what those around me will accept. This brings with it the questions of, why and how did I? These questions I have been told to stay away from, because they won’t help me as I move along.
Becoming real is about identifying choice. The choice of safety, over the need to please. The choice to live in, or leave a certain environment. The choice to heal and shed the toxicity. The choice to identify and find value in you. The choice to live. The choice to build a better tomorrow.
Becoming real is about loving you!!