Looking back over the last few weeks I have said to myself many times, “I don’t think I can take much more”. As soon as it comes to my mind, I remember all the other times I have thought that same phrase throughout my life. Each and every time, I think this is the hardest thing I have been through. Then the next time, I think no, this is the hardest thing I have been through.
In raising my children as a single mom, I knew that I would be given challenges; tough challenges. I just really didn’t know what would be defined as tough.
This current challenge has been extremely tough. On February 10, 2016, I began having severe migraines everyday. That same day my heart began having a severe burning, stabbing pain. I found out 2 weeks later that my heart was inflamed. Further testing of my brain, brought the diagnosis of severe brain trauma; which was brought on by the severity and years of abuse that I had suffered.
The diagnosis would have been hard enough to deal with by itself, but knowing that it was due to the abuse from my mother, father, brother, and ex-husband has been more than I can handle.
Over the past year I have had to have multiple, intense and extensive tests performed. I have had multiple procedures performed on my head, which make me very weak and sick. I have spent more time in my bed, than I have out of it. My children have been my caregivers this whole time; which breaks my heart, because it should be the other way around. I have still had to work, so we can keep the house. Because of how difficult it is to work a full day, I come home and have to lay in bed with ice around my head to control the burning and pain.
The medical treatment has not been the only difficult part. I have had to give up time with my children. I can’t cycle the 40 miles, 5 times a week I used to be able to do. Working out in my yard with my children has been limited to watching, occasionally, from a chair on the porch. My strength has been decreased at least 60 percent.
Emotionally, I have struggled with who caused it, and why. Questions have run through my mind constantly. What could I have done to be hated so much? Why were the ones that should have loved me, the very ones that did this to me? How could they not see what they were doing to me? Why did I not matter? How does this make sense; the person that was abused also has the consequences?
I know none of the questions will ever be answered by those that brought this about. No reason will be given to my children, as to why their mother has had to suffer so much and not be able to spend time with them. Right now, I don’t know that any of the answers will change anything, nor would I believe the answers.
These questions went away the day of my sons car accident. When the police officer, came to my door, and said that my sons car had been hit by someone that ran a red light. Then went on to say, my son was unconscious, and in route to the hospital. The circumstances in my life didn’t matter. When my son walked in the door of our home, my heart and mind only had love and gratitude. I cared nothing of my suffering any more. I, in a way, found joy in my suffering.
I know that my sons life was saved to give me strength to endure. I have a firm belief that the Lord has a purpose for my health challenge. I know that my life has been what it is, so that I can share my experiences with others and be a strength to them in their life.
At the beginning of this challenge, there was not a big fiery flame of hope or direction. But I would make it through one day, then another and another. I make it through each day in minutes now. It is like having a little teeny spark to walk with. I can hear the words from my Heavenly Father telling me, “You’ve got this. Keep going”. I am not clear about the outcome, but I know I have been through tough situations before. My source of strength is still the same, my love for my Father in Heaven and the beautiful gift of my two, amazing children.
Challenges will come in our lives. The reason will not always be clear. Our questions will not always have answers to follow. But each challenge is just that, a challenge, not an end. Take it in minutes if you have to. Look for the light along the way. Then make sure that you share your knowledge with others, so as to strengthen them through their journey.