One of my earliest memories is of my mother yelling at me, and saying, “You will never be loved, you can’t ever be loved”. Throughout my life I was told, “You will never amount to anything”, “You are good for nothing”, “I don’t see why you even try, they wouldn’t ever pick you”, “What makes you think you will ever be good enough?”. I became these words. I felt inferior to all I came in contact with. I was frightened of any words that would be known as kindness. I felt that I had to convince others that I was truly worthless, and please don’t expect anything else.
As I entered junior high school, the degrading words became more powerful. As I noticed each student trying to show how much better they were than the person next to them, I became more adamant that I held no value. I would argue with people, if they were to compliment me. I was so much more comfortable hearing negative expressions. I did not want to be called on in class, because I knew whatever I had to say would add no value to the class.
High School was extremely difficult. Each student seemed to believe they were the best at whatever they were involved in. They seemed to become more defined, and sure of themselves. I became more unsure. Listening to my peers speak of their achievements, and what they were going to do with them left me extremely confused. I wondered what made them have that belief about their abilities and future. Why did they not feel the same way about themselves, as I did? Were they given something that I hadn’t?
I remember one afternoon my young woman’s advisor called me, and asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner with her. I said, “sure”. She picked me up, and proceeded to tell me that she had some “buddy passes” that she needed to use up before they expired. To my surprise she wanted me to fly to Denver, Colorado for dinner with her, and then fly back. I was so excited that I forgot to ask my parents. During the flight she began talking with me. All I could think of the whole time was, why did she ask me? I couldn’t get that thought out of my head. Finally, when we were eating I asked her, “Why did you pick me?” She said, “Why wouldn’t I?” I began to list the reasons. Each one she countered with a different representation of who she believed I was. This was a very defining moment for me. I began to question who I thought I was. I didn’t know at the time, what the impact her words would have on my life, but it was one of the first shifts in my journey.
I graduated high school and began to work full time. I questioned everything I had known about myself, up to that point. I began to look at my actions, and comparing them with people that I had heard being called “good “. I started to see that I resembled some of their behavior. This led to a whirlwind of questions for me. I asked myself, ” If these people are ‘good’, and I behave like them, why am I told that I am bad?” “Who is telling the truth?” “If they are good, and my actions are good, are my parents lying to me?” “Why would they want me to believe I was bad?” I began to believe that my parents didn’t want me to see the good in me. They gained something from my self belief of worthlessness.
I married, and the real fight began. I had seen a glimpse of my goodness, and I didn’t want to lose it. My husband (ex) took every opportunity to humiliate me in front of people, and condemned me for every action I chose. The shame taught me that I should not have believed that there was good in any part of me. I became once again “nothing of worth”.
I left the marriage. I could not imagine myself as anything. I functioned as the person society portrayed a single mother to be; sad, directionless, and vulnerable. This continued for a year and a half, until my Bishop, that lived across the street, said, “He admired me for who I was”. I disagreed with him and said, ” I don’t know what you see in me, I am worthless “. He proceeded to tell me how I had fortitude, a loving heart, and strength that he has yet to see in anyone else. I once again began to question what I been programmed to believe I was. He began to show me the lies about who I thought I was. His belief led me to obtain a bachelors degree. I have held onto his belief in me, and purchased a home for me and my children. My journey once again shifted.
I have had to work hard to counteract the ever present voices in my mind, that shout my worthlessness. I still cannot comprehend the hate my parents had for me, and their desire to crush my identity. Being a mother of two amazing children, I have never let them think for one minute that they were less than. I have taught them that they can achieve anything they want in this life, just with their good works.
My journey is not over. It is still easier for me to accept negative comments about me, than positive ones. I am learning not to fear compliments, or argue with the giver. I instead just say, “Thank you”. Each day I become closer to who I was, before my parents crushed me. I know that this may be a life long process, but I am willing to put in the effort. Some things that I have learned from all of this is; empathy, kindness, gratitude, sensitivity, and determination. I know that I will learn more as I am willing to look at myself. I also know that the destination of my journey is up to me. With each decision that I make, I alter my course.