Life throws curve balls, at times. For me, I feel like I am progressing and then I blink. The next thing I know I am asking myself, “How did I get here?” At times, I feel like sitting down and waiting for life to straighten itself out; because I’ve had to do it too many freakin times, and I’m tired. The problem with that is, life hasn’t ever figured itself out. I always end up giving in and walking through life’s challenges.
As I write this, I keep looking at the quote I chose for the header. I wonder if I am the one who needs the quote more. Right now I feel extremely confused, distraught, and alone. I received a phone call from my doctor a couple of days ago, and he told me that I have an aneurysm in my brain. I am not really sure how to respond to that, or how to process what that means. This diagnosis brings with it a whirl of emotions I can’t identify or understand. I thought my biggest hurdle, at this time, would be to come to terms with severe brain trauma, from the abuse I suffered at the hands of both my parents, brother, and ex-husband. But now, with the aneurysm, I feel buried in sadness.
Over the past 4 years, I have worked relentlessly to acknowledge and process the effects from the abuse. I understand more and more each day, what has happened to me, and have begun the process to release some of the effects. I have had so many flash back memories of the abuse. Each time it is frustrating, painful, and incomprehensible to relive those experiences. Now I am faced with the memories and the consequences. I can’t give either one of these to those that abused me. I just want to scream, “Where is the justice and humanity!” This is where I want to sit down and say, “Life you figure it out; I have dealt with all I can handle”. But I know that is not going to happen.
I know that each experience we have, there is knowledge to be gained from it. Life is for us to be a better person tomorrow than we were today. Challenges come to bring growth. But, as I think about where I am now, I can’t help but wonder what am I supposed to gain from this experience. When I left my marriage I committed to never allow my children to experience abuse in any form ever again. I have kept that. I made the choice to help others know that they are loved and there is hope. My actions have been that. My greatest desire has been to be free of the effects of the abuse, and to have a different 2nd half of my life than the 1st. I have yet to see that.
The challenge now is to choose to live, and keep fighting, despite the ever present reminders of the abuse.