There are many different personalities and behaviors that you will come across in a lifetime. One of the hardest for me to deal with is narcissistic personalities. This type of personality loves the spotlight, craves attention, demands subservience from others, and demoralizes others so that there is no competition to their superior self; as well as many others.
In my life, I have lived with two people that represent this personality type. My first experience came in my childhood home. One of my parents has a narcissistic personality. They were very controlling, lacked boundaries, constantly sought attention, and grandized their self image. It was brutal living with them. Because of this individuals constant need to be the focus of attention , I was never allowed to have an identity. I was an extension of them. I had to fulfill their every demand, to the highest degree, or I would be shamed in front of other family members, so that their loyalty would be assured. Even if I followed what they said exactly, and they didn’t get the response they were seeking, I was still punished. I was never allowed to show any emotion, or think on my own. I was told what to feel. I was to believe every word that they told me, including the dehumanizing words about myself. My siblings and I were separated from our environment. We were not allowed to have friends, go to neighbors homes; otherwise we may speak about what was going on in our home.
Growing up, being dominated by a person like that, led me to be married to a person like that. My ex was extremely arrogant, praise seeking, insecure, and volatile. I was first isolated from my family, and then from his. I was to represent, to the public, that he was a dotting husband and loving father. His wardrobe was the only one that mattered. If the children needed shoes and I bought them some, without permission, then I was humiliated in front of both sides of the family. It did not mater that they were only $9, and desperately needed. If I didn’t follow his words exactly I would be yelled at until the early hours of the morning. If he felt embarrassed or less than in public, I would be severely beaten. The children were to watch me suffer so that they would know what would happen to them if they didn’t “behave”.
I have cut both of these people out of my life, permanently. I have continual nightmares from all of this. With each of these individuals, they had a mask that they wore out in public. In the home the demon was present. I felt that I was never good enough, because if anyone happpened to say anything nice to me, with either one around, I would be shamed and it would be my fault that they were not liked. I never could get anyone to believe me that they were like that. Because of their insatiable need to have their behavior praised by others, they would never drop the act when others were looking. This was the worst hell, because you were so terrified of them, but you continually had to make them look good.
It has taken me a long time to recognize what has happened to me. It wasn’t until today that I learned their behavior was narcissism. I had a person say to me, that they were impressed with who I was, despite all that I had been through. After hearing this, I felt really frightened. I have felt this same fear every time someone says anything complimentary about me. So today I decided I was going to figure out why. I revisited times when I felt this way. I couldn’t figure it out. So when I was looking at Pinterest, I came across a quote about narcissistic people. As I read it, I was shocked to see those words that described the 2 demons I had lived with. I looked up the word narcissism. It was powerful to finally see them described in words. Then I read, “children of narcissists learn to play their part and to perform their special skill, especially in public or for others; but typically do not have many memories of having felt loved or appreciated for being themselves, rather associating their experience of love and appreciation with conforming to the demands of the narcissistic parent. The sensitive, guilt-ridden children in the family learn to meet the parent’s needs for gratification and try to get love by accommodating the whims and wishes of the parent. The child’s normal feelings are ignored, denied and eventually repressed in attempts to gain the parent’s ‘love’. Guilt and shame keep the child locked into this developmental arrest. Their aggressive impulses and rage become split off and are not integrated with normal development. These children develop a false self as a defense mechanism and become codependent in relationships. The child’s unconscious denial of their true self perpetuates a cycle of self-hatred, fearing any reminder of their authentic self.” (Wikipedia) It became so clear to me, that I unconsciously deny my true self for fear of retribution. I still anticipate the punishment.
I do not know how to counter this programming . I am still trying to understand who I am. But one thing that I have learned is that, it didn’t matter who I was, they were this type of personality before I knew them. I also know that their behavior was a conscious choice and it needs to stay with them. I do not need to alter who I am because of their choices. When I can finally unblock who my true self is, I hope that I will finally be free of this poison. Each day is a constant effort to live without regard to my past. I am grateful that I found that quote, which lead me to this understanding. I know that each of us have something hard that we have overcome in life, and we can choose to be better because of it. I know for me, I have not raised my children with any of the evil that was inflicted on me. I know they are grateful for that. I have made the choice to not be involved with anyone, because I need to identify me before I can be a “we”. I hope that we will always choose to be our healthy, real self, and not be afraid of who we are.