I don’t know if anyone else has asked, during difficult times, “Lord, doest thou care?” I have. When I was 24 years old, I began to have problems breathing. Every time I would lay down I felt like I was choking. As time went on, it became more difficult to breathe.
I went in to see my Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist. He ran some blood tests. Then I went in for an ultrasound of my neck. I went alone to all of these appointments, because I had a 3 and 1 year old, at the time. I remember distinctly walking down the brick hallway, of the lower level of the hospital, and thinking to myself that this area did not feel comforting. I dismissed my thought, and waited for my turn. My name was called. I was led into a small, dark room that had no windows. A curtain was pulled across the closed door. I was asked to lay on my back, on the table, with my head higher than the pillow, so my chin was out of the way. The ultrasound tech began moving the wand through the gel on my neck. It was hard to be still, because I couldn’t breathe very well. After a short period of time, I heard a muffled gasp come from the tech. I quickly looked at him. I asked, “What is it?” He said, “I needed to wait for the Radiologist to tell me”. He finished the test, wiped the gel off, and told me to wait there until he came back. I sat up, and waited. I began pacing and waiting. I began looking at the imperfections of the bricks, while waiting. By this time I felt the walls were closing in on me.
45 minutes later another person entered the room, followed by the tech. He introduced himself to me, as the Radiologist. He asked me to sit down. I told him, “I am fine standing”. He said, “We would like you to sit for this, so you don’t fall down”. I could not imagine why he spoke to me like that. He said, “You have thyroid cancer, and you need to seek treatment for it right away”. I blinked and said, “No, I am just having trouble breathing when I lay down”. He said, “You have cancer. Do you have someone waiting with youu, or do we need to call someone to come get you?” I said “No, I can drive”. I brushed off his insistence. He said, “You need to go home, and let your family know, so you can make some life plans, if needed”. I walked out of there in disbelief. I could not believe that I had just heard the “C” word. I had only heard that with “other” people, not me. When I told my family, they could not believe it either.
I felt so numb, as the days went by. I went through the surgery to remove the softball size lump, with the cancer in it. My doctor decided to not do chemo or radiation at that time. I was to wait and see if it came back in the other side of the thyroid. It was 3 days after my surgery that it hit me. My (ex) husband was yelling at me again for needing a straw to drink from, since I couldn’t move my neck. He told me that I should thank him for allowing me to live, since the insurance he held on me was paying for my surgery. All my thoughts, that I held in a locked space, came crashing down on me. I could not stop them from racing through my mind. I thought, how could this all be happening to me? Why did I have to deal with more, when I had already been through a heinous childhood, and now living in a brutal marriage? Why was I asked to deal with cancer, so young and with small children? Where was the justice in all of that? Who thinks that one person is strong enough to deal with all of this? Hadn’t I lived the way I should? Had I not prayed in the right way? Was there some other god I should have been praying to? Lord, doest thou not care?!
My heart seemed to break into smaller pieces. I could not figure out how I was supposed to process all of it. I tried each day to figure out what the purpose was for this challenge. I kept praying. I spoke with my Bishop and asked, “What was I missing?”. The answer was the same, “I don’t know. Sometimes there is not a reason.” Well I wanted God to give me a reason. I felt I had gone through way too much for one person. I had stayed committed to my knowledge of, and from Him, and I wanted an explanation.
Almost 2 years went by. I had just separated from my (ex) husband and my cancer had returned. I couldn’t believe it. This time I prayed even stronger and more specific. I let the Lord know that I had endured many beatings, and tried to protect my children the best I could. I asked him, didn’t he see my effort? No, answer came. Once again I asked, “Lord doest thou not care?”
2 1/2 years later my divorce was final. 1 month after that, my children revealed that my ex had been sexually abusing them during his visitation. I crumbled into even smaller pieces. The courts had failed to keep my children safe from that monster. I filed a police report. The investigation took place and then came the prosecution; this lasted 4 1/2 years. During this time I prayed in every way possible for knowledge and understanding. Still, no answer. During this time, I felt like I was following a very faint candle light, down a dark, damp corridor. Oh, how I wished for insight.
In the meantime, I began my college education 3 months after my divorce was final. 2 years in, I was involved in a car wreck and I severely damaged my knees, when my seat belt broke and my knees slammed into the dashboard. This required me to have to have them repaired 9 months later. The surgery caused me to have major complications, and I had to learn to walk all over again. 1 year later I could finally walk with full extension, but still a lot of pain. I began wondering, who I was in a former life, to cause me to be so hated by my parents and ex, that it brought on such heinous abuse, and all of this opposition. I began pleading to die. I didn’t care anymore if the Lord cared about me. I was beyond my threshold of pain within my soul and body.
My pleas were not granted. I have continued on, placing one foot in front of the other. I have continued praying and maintaining my connection with God. I still do not have answers for all that I have been through. When I started having flashbacks of the abuse 3 years ago, my brain started to shutdown because of the severe trauma. When my medical became extremely bad in February 2016, I thought seriously, Lord doest thou not care?
I have learned over the past year, as my medical condition has worsened, and I have lost more brain function, that this all has nothing to do with the Lord caring. A healthy parent always cares about the well being of their child, but if they step in and remove the challenge from the child, they cripple their progression. I still pray. But my words are different. I pray to see what others see in me, to identify love, and to have the peace I need to silence my fears. My life has been a true test of grit. I have kept going, when I wanted to quit. Now, I am required to try and rest so my brain can heal, and I will have a promise of a quality tomorrow. I know that the Lord has the ability to heal me. I know that I also have the faith not to be healed. I know that my life is to share with others, and to bring them strength when they feel week. I hope that as we go through our challenges, we will know the Lord does care a great deal. He also knows that we are better off in our strength, and not in a crippled state. Keep going. Remember what you learned, and share it with others.