In life we are exposed to many types of behaviors. The majority are healthy. But there are some that are toxic. A toxic behavior is one in which a person tries to dominate or impair another person through their actions. People with toxic behaviors like to prey on others by trying to get the person to devalue themselves so that they will stay with and look up to the predator. The only way a toxic person can maintain power is if their prey continues to perform these self harming actions. The toxic person loves to see you in a self devalued state. The key for anyone in this type of relationship is to know you don’t have to have permission to leave. Also, it is possible to leave. You may feel defeated and dead inside, but pick up your carcass and get out of there. YOU DESERVE BETTER!
Coming from a home in which both of my parents were toxic, it was hard to know that their behavior was not “normal”. I managed in that environment by staying disconnected. By this I mean, I showed no emotion, wore a blank stare, and my world existed inside my head. My thoughts were never about new toys, vacations or Disneyland (I have yet to see it). They were of who was I, when I was born, and how could I fix the bad thing that I did so my parents could start loving me and the violence would stop. I was completely under the power of devaluing. I became so good at it that the words didn’t have to be spoken and I would have them playing over and over inside my head. My siblings and I picked up the toxic behavior and our home became a war zone. The toxic atmosphere spilled over to every aspect of my life.
When I was married and my (ex) husband said derogatory and demeaning words to me I wasn’t alarmed, it seemed normal. It was only after my son, at around 14 months old, began wearing the same blank stare I had. I began to think that what I was experiencing was not normal and I couldn’t allow him to have the same fate as me. I separated 2 months later. After hearing the infamous words “I am sorry, I will change”, I went back to my (ex) husband 2 months after that. I became pregnant the next month, with my daughter. I left for the last time when she was 2 years and 2 weeks old. Both children had the same blank stare and disconnected behavior by the time I left and subsequently divorced.
My children have adapted to normal behavior faster than I have. It wasn’t until 3 years ago, that I realized the effects from the trauma that I had experienced, and began a concentrated effort to release it. Even now, when anyone says a positive comment about me, my parents and siblings voices are activated and I have to use a great deal of will power to silence them. The next thing to follow is my mind trying to figure out what the persons intent was by saying that. I am very suspicious of kindness, unless I have been around someone for a while. I still don’t have an emotional sensation to words that are said to me. If a person is angry or yelling at me it seems very normal and easier for my mind to process than kindness or a compliment.
It is difficult, but not impossible to rebuild after the impact of living with toxic people. The first thing you have to realize is that it is not normal or okay to allow anyone to treat you with insults or dehumanizing behavior. Second, you don’t have to have permission to leave. Third, you can rebuild and you are worth it. I know for me, I am learning those 3 things every day as I choose to live without the toxicity. The hardest part for me is dealing with the knowledge that I betrayed who I reallly am, by allowing that treatment to continue for so long. I realize there was nothing I could do in that type of environment and I need to allow myself time to heal and be strong in spite of all that I experienced. I need to learn that “I AM WORTH IT. Know that you are too and break free.