There is a saying, “A person who truly loves you is someone who sees the pain in your eyes, while everyone else still believes in the smile on your face”. When I read this quote I thought to myself, have I known anyone that truly loves me? I hear phrases said to me, “You’re so strong” and “You are so amazing”. Little does the speaker know the pain behind my eyes. I can’t remember a time in my life when my eyes didn’t have to hide the pain that my muted lips could not speak. I cannot express in words the magnitude of the pain inside or the depths to which it reaches. But this journal entry gives a glimpse of what is behind my eyes.
March 9, 2015 I realize the significant impact of the abuse, that I suffered, has had on my life. It is clear to me that the abuse has control and has a significant effect on my life. I cannot see in detail the abuse that I experienced, beginning as an infant, but the emotion memory of it is clearly present. Every night there has been emotion memories played continually throughout the night, from different parts of my life. I can’t seem to turn it off or control it. I feel at this time that the amount of pain that I have is too overwhelming to handle. I have thought a lot about options that I may have to stop the pain. I have become disconnected from my environment and I look at it as if it belongs to someone else. I don’t think of tomorrows anymore. I just think of how incredible the abuse is, that I have experienced. Truth be told, I hate living because everywhere I turn there is some part of the abuse that I have to manage in order to draw breath. It’s exhausting, hoping for peace and yet there is another layer or aspect of the abuse that you have to encounter. I wish with all of my heart that there would be someone that would look at my eyes and recognize how much pain I am in and choose to leave me with peace. Through all that I have gone through there is a part of me that quickly identifies another persons needs and I act upon it. But it seems as if those around me are still believing the muted, raspberry colored lips of mine, that I need nothing…which is far from the truth. I chose not this pain. Someone else inflicted it upon me. Their Gift of Agency has imprisoned me. I know not who I am. I only know from where I came.
I know I am not the only one that has experienced this. I spoke with a young girl the other day and she made the comment,” that when you have anxiety or depression it seems as if society is only looking for the smile”. I told her how she was so right. I know there have been many times that I have tried to explain what I am experiencing to another person and it was as if I was describing the color green to them and they had only been seeing in black and white. I do not choose to have depression or anxiety. I live with it. I have noticed that these emotional disorders come as a double edge sword. At times, I feel that I don’t want anyone around, but I am longing for someone to care. I feel completely uncomfortable in social situations because people seem to only want to be around you if you have a smile on your face and your life is “Facebook” worthy…picturesque. I think it would be more healthy, if we as a society could be more real with ourselves and not expect a fantasy from those we associate with. Life happens to all of us and it is okay if all is not well. Because then we get to tap into the wonderful gift of empathy and lift one another. If you see someone that does not have a smile on their face, smile at them, because it may be what they have needed that whole day.