Feeling inadequate is very common for me. In speaking with my counselor, I told her how I felt that I didn’t have what was needed to try and bring support to those that are struggling in life, because I didn’t have a Psychology Degree. She replied, “you have more than that, you have a P.H.D. in survival”. Her words have really been running through my head and it’s made me think really hard about where I am in life.
When I left my toxic relationships, I felt extremely broken and dead inside. The first person I recognized as talking to me, was my neighbor and Bishop, he said, “It’s time to live, leave your past behind you”. I remember shaking my head in bewilderment, trying to comprehend what he just said. His words sounded like a foreign language. I felt so out of place because I was so used to being on guard and in protection mode continually. I felt like I had just been plucked from a concentration camp and flown to America and told to live, because I was now “free”. I had always been on American soil but I didn’t know “free”. I watched those around me to see what they were doing with their “free”. They looked so comfortable and moved about with ease. For me, I was frightened of all that was around me. It was suffocating to me. It was easy for me to think that I would be better off returning to the abuse, because I knew how to exist there and I had no idea how to function without it. Knowing that I wanted my tomorrow different from my yesterday, I stumbled along in my unknown world of “free”. I moved through my day doing what needed to be done for my children and anything that was expected of me for their school. I felt numb all of the time. At night I would lay in my bed, in a state of hyper-vigilance, waiting for anything that I would need to protect my children or me from. My heart would race with every sound I heard. I walked through public places always looking behind me, and from side to side, looking for what would hit me next. For 14 years, after my divorce, I lived like this.
In 2013, I knew things would either have to change or I would not continue to live in this state of fear and vigilance. I sought a counselor once again, because I began to have severe night terrors and panic attacks. Counseling is the hardest thing for me to do, because I have to put words to the terror in my past. I don’t understand most of it, so to speak it, is extremely painful. I envy those that have lived in “free” their entire lives, because they make it seem so effortless.
I have come along way within the last few years. I am still not comfortable in my world, but I am learning how to live in what surrounds me. I’ve had to learn phrases like,”what are you feeling”, “what do you like”, “what makes you happy”, and “who am I”. All of the phrases that expect me to respond about myself make me physically ill inside. Because, in my family and marriage relationships, I was trained to never think about myself but keep the authority figures pleased. I am learning not to change my behavior to please others. Now that I have been diagnosed with severe head trauma, brought about by the years of abuse and having my head slammed into anything solid, I have had to look at me. I have had to learn to identify what is in my control and set aside what is not. To live with consequences from the behavior of another, is really the most illogical form of mental torture. It has brought a deeper appreciation for accountability and the power of choice. I am very sensitive to the choices I make, because I do not want anyone to be left with a consequence from my choice. I may not like where I am, but I acknowledge that I am there, and I am taking ownership of what actions have been mine. My journey of survival has been tough, but I have learned a lot from it. I know that through sharing my story I may be able to bring strength to others. I am aware that my experiences are not unique. I know there are a lot of others experiencing abuse in their lives. I would say to them, you can live without it and there are good people in this world. Make the choice to want more and seek it.